Tuesday, September 7, 2010

skyrockets in flight


I enjoyed my drive yesterday out to San Berdoo. I took the 210 just past the city of Fontana - the junkyard of dreams
- and got out at Mount Waterman Drive, route 18. I turned left off the freeway and took the road up through the San Bernardino National Forest and into the town of Crestline at 5000 feet. Crestline is a bit of a hippie enclave, which took me by surprise. But it's not good hippie. It's NRA libertarian hippie, combining the requisite back-to-the-land orientation with a rednecky ski bum skankiness. The place has a strange, unsettling vibe. It reminds me of Box Canyon in Simi Valley. It's very pretty, but there's an uneasiness in the air. In any case, I had a chance to do some thinking once again. ...I have no spiritual life to speak of because I don't believe in that stuff (except when I'm on an airplane). I have no companionship. I feel increasingly remote from my friends as they're all married with kids, and I don't like the idea of being the weirdo uncle who's always by himself. I had an uncle like this when I was a kid. I believe he died of the AIDS. I also don't like what I see in modern parenting. Kids are so overindulged these days. I know my observations constitute a very small sample size and that the sentiment makes me sound like a bitter old man. Put it this way: I don't like what I've seen in terms of contemporary parenting. Kids expect so much of the world nowadays, and it starts with the parents. I didn't really want for much materially when I was growing up, but my parents definitely didn't give me everything I asked for. Parents these days give their kids everything they want. Everything. And it's not just the material things. It's emotional stuff, too. They get everything they want, and they come to expect that this will continue indefinitely into the future. What are they gonna be like when they grow up and the world kicks them in the teeth? Entitled kids make me feel tense. I haven't just cut myself off from people, though. I've also stopped following the news of the world because its scary out there and I get freaked out. I used to follow politics and economic news very carefully. No more. It's an era of perpetual crisis, and staying up to date with it makes me panicky. I put blinkers on to avoid getting swept up in anxiety. It reminds me of how I used to be so fearful of nuclear war when I was a kid. I refused to watch The Day After because I knew it would scare the shit out of me.
Sure enough, a lot of kids who watched it were pretty upset the next day in school... I guess if I have one overarching objective that defines what I do and how I live, it's the avoidance of anxiety, depression and conflict. It's not a real lofty road map for life, is it? It's pretty pathetic, to be honest. I remember not so long ago having a real desire and drive to do great, impactful things with my life. Nowadays I'm just happy to avoid a total meltdown. ...I ate a piece of homemade apple pie I bought from an old hippie lady selling cakes and cookies by the side of the road in Crestline. She didn't really want me to take her photo, for whatever reason. She was actually kind of pissy about it, which I thought was strange because I could have just snapped her photo without asking. Oh, well. The pie was quite good. The crust was light and flaky, not like those pre-made cement crusts you buy at the grocery store.


It would not surprise me at all if there's a lot of pot cultivation going on in Crestline. This
would explain the eerie feel of the place. Even though pot is becoming more and more accepted, the cultivation and marketing of the stuff still attracts an edgy element. I'm sure I could have stuck around and asked a few questions, maybe at the filling station or in the local diner, but I wanted to move on. I drove to Lake Gregory on the outskirts of Crestline and relaxed in a nice shady spot with my iPod. Afternoon Delight came on about five or six songs into a shuffle. When I was a little boy, I had a babysitter who sang Afternoon Delight with me once when it came on the radio. I remember thinking she was really cool because she sang the high harmony part. It's not easy getting up that high. Believe me, I've tried.

2 comments:

  1. Hey Max, hearing you talking about avoidance of anxiety reminds me of - once again - your running away from that running back when you were on defense...but I ID w/it, I feel it too, I just try not to give into it all the time, or do things inspite of feeling it...anyway, these are the cards we're dealt (a jack and a six or so it feels), but you make the most of it, you get knocked down, you brush yourself off and you get right back up, right? I do get a little concerned hearing you talk about cutting yourself off from people and the news, etc... I haven't found that isolation really works for me, it just pits me up against my crazy chattering monkey mind, and I've begun to understand that like 90% of what my mind says is TOTAL BULLSHIT! So I try to put myself around people who have more perspective than I have on my life, who can be positive influences...
    Anyway, don't cut yourself off from me, OK?
    I was back in NY last week, got to watch a lot of tennis, look back fondly on our game together, and hope to practice up so next time I see you I can wipe your ass...(don't think I've actually played since I played you but now i feel motivated)

    By the way, I finally saw Eric 2 times this summer...
    Anyway, keep in touch, and thanks for the great blog.
    And how's yoga??
    JG

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  2. Hey Max, I'm with JG, and concerned about you cutting yourself off from the world. It is an insane world, and that's why we've got to stay connected. I love you. And, I know that I can depend on you if I need help, so I hope you know you can depend on me. I'm not a public person, and actually wanted to send you an email response vs one on this blog . . . but, who cares! I love reading your blog - so, I'm shedding my "fly on the wall" tendencies and am making it public that although I love your soul searching words (I'm attracted to tragic beauty), I don't want your soul to sink into total despair. Everything changes all the time, including your perspective. Dig as deep as you need, but come up for air often. You’re not as alone as you think. tw

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